Anxiety and Depression: Why self-compassion matters — and its hidden risks

I spent so many years being my own harshest critic. Nothing was too small or insignificant to beat myself up for. My inner voice, my self-talk, was consistently hostile and depreciating. And it never stopped. From early morning until I fell asleep, every day, for decades, that voice kept nagging, blaming, accusing, shouting.

If you suffer from anxiety or depression, there’s a high chance that you recognise this.

We wouldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) accept such behaviour if the criticism came from someone else. Such a person should be considered a nasty fellow, and we would (or at least should) keep him out of our lives.

Of course, we cannot flee from our inner voices, right? So, what can we do?

(Featured picture: Self-compassion is essential if you suffer from anxiety or depression. AI-generated illustration.)

Decide to stop bullying ourselves

As I mentioned in my article Anxiety and depression: How to challenge your negative self-talk, I made this decision one early morning 10 – 15 years ago while walking the dog.

Yes, I know, I know. It’s not easy. It’s not like we can just decide to stop all negative self-talk, and then it magically disappears. However, without deciding that we want to change, we won’t.

Then comes the sometimes slow job of actually making the change. For me, this was a staircase with several steps.

1. At first, I could only silently shout “Stop it!” whenever my inner voice started harassing me. 
2. After a while, I managed to argue with it: “Well, that’s not true, is it?” 
3. In the end, I just thought, “Oh, it’s you again,” and ignored it.

We must teach our inner critic to grow up and speak only when there are appropriate reasons for self-criticism. Because we need ourselves to be an ally, not an enemy, on our journey out of anxiety and depression.

Keeping our inner critic in the reins is the first and most essential way to cultivate self-compassion. Let’s look at another two:

1. The way we approach challenges.
2. The way we handle failures.

Don’t plan for failure

When we decide to do something about our anxiety or depression, we often set out with the wrong expectations. Our pace might be too fast, or our aim too high, and the direction may be wrong. This is okay. I’ve done it again and again myself through the decades.

However, in the early stages of our journey, a failure might make us give up before we actually start. To be brutally honest, I believe we sometimes do this (subconsciously) on purpose to get a reason not to face the challenges ahead. “I knew I couldn’t make it; I can just as well give up.”

Please don’t plan for failure, whether you do it to self-sabotage or you want change so much that you rush ahead of yourself. Sometimes, things take time. Sometimes, small steps are more likely to bring you to your destination than long strides.

Show some self-compassion when you approach challenges. I assure you this is a more successful strategy in the long run than flogging yourself forward.

Try, fail, learn, repeat

Sh*t happens. That’s a fact of life. Things will go wrong, and sometimes, it feels like it happens all the time. Some things are out of our control, and others happen because we make stupid mistakes.

Our automatic response is often to scourge ourselves for a week and then give up. Alternatively, we could show self-compassion, learn from the failure, and use this to our advantage further down the road. Rhetorical question: Which approach do you think is the most helpful?

For my part, I’d estimate that 80% of all my knowledge and experience comes from making mistakes and learning from them. This also goes for my knowledge and experience regarding mental health challenges. The try -> fail -> learn -> try -> fail -> learn upward spiral gives a much deeper knowledge and understanding than reading books or blog posts (yes, I know 🙂 ).

Can there be too much self-compassion?

Not really. However, the hidden risk of self-compassion is that we easily confuse it with self-pity and self-indulgence. Wait a minute! What’s the difference?

• Self-compassion: Treating yourself with kindness and understanding while seeking ways to help yourself. You behave towards yourself as you would towards your best friend.
• Self-pity: Sinking into helplessness and hopelessness without seeking solutions.
• Self-indulgence: Giving in to your desires and whims now, even though it can harm you in the long run.

Self-compassion means acknowledging our suffering but still trying to climb upwards. The combination of self-pity and self-indulgence will inevitably spiral us downwards.

The necessity of discomfort

If we want to start our journey out of anxiety or depression, it means we have to make changes. All changes worth making come with some discomfort or even pain. We must accept that some level of discomfort will be a part of it if we want to achieve something.

Sadly, we often shy away from discomfort, let alone pain, even if we know it is a necessary phase on our journey towards a better life. We choose comfort now even if it means continuous suffering for the rest of our lives. Self-pity and self-indulgence aren’t self-care. They’re self-sabotage if we look at the big picture.

The art of taking a break (and ending it)

Our self-compassion may sometimes decide we must take a break to re-energise and prepare for the next lap of the journey. Perhaps we need to skip our exercise today. Maybe we need a glass of wine and a chocolate too. That’s okay. Sometimes, kindness is necessary.

However, even if taking a break is necessary, it’s also essential to end it at the appropriate time. If we, for instance, never get back to exercising and settle into a habit of binge eating chocolate and drinking too much, it’s not kindness. This is cruelty towards ourselves in the long run, and nothing is gained except more suffering.

Self-compassion is looking after ourselves, both in the short and long run.